The soft blue glow hit his face, subtly changing with each swipe of his thumb. 3-4 times a minute his thumb swiped up, moving on to a new video. Sometimes a video would elicit a chuckle, and a few would even get a second watch. His head and phone bobbed to the sway of the family suburban as they traveled down the road. Wireless headphones pumped the audio directly to him…
This is a familiar view to most of us. Most of us have traveled with a group or a family and had those in the vehicle wrapped up in their phones. Or we’ve walked up to a table of people all sitting together but looking directly at their phones. It’s easy to criticize tech culture, but that is not the purpose of this post. My purpose in this post is to talk specifically about creating tech-free spaces for the health of kids and families. This post is also not prescriptive, I am not going to tell you how to do this in your family per se. I am simply hoping to get families thinking about this and talking about healthy boundaries. So, let’s dive in.
Creating tech-free times and spaces is one of the best ways for parents to help their kids learn to set healthy boundaries with technology. It is also one of the best ways for families to stimulate conversation and family time in general. Remember, this is a two-part conversation, (1) spaces and (2) times. Before I move on, let me say the younger you start this, the easier this will be, but it will never be easy, you are battling culture in some ways.
The most important space to consider IMHO (in my humble opinion) is the bedroom. Again, this is an opinion, but I do think it is an opinion backed by science and experience. Kids should NOT have any electronics with a screen in their room. We’ll discuss a time to consider modifying this rule as they near high school graduation, but for most of their childhood, kids should not have screens in their rooms. Science points to the mere presence of screens affecting our stress levels and sleep cycles. Even a screen with solid screen time limits negatively affects kids' sleep patterns. If your kids are young, just don’t start with screens in the room. If they are older and you have already started, you may need to take a different approach.
Let me pause to give you some food for thought. Begin with your own personal habits, then work with your older kids to set healthy boundaries. Set healthy boundaries for yourself with your phone and talk to your kids about what you are doing. Here are some ideas:
- Use Do Not Disturb (Focus) at night and only let calls through from specific contacts.
- Plug your phone in at least 10’ from your head, and make it to where to answer the phone you must get out of bed. Studies have shown this to be an effective alternative to leaving your phone outside the bedroom which may not be possible if you do not have a landline.
- An hour before bed, take your phone to its charger and plug it in, show your kids that you are taking these boundaries seriously for yourself as well as for them. If you go to bed after your kids, make a point of plugging your phone in and going tech-free at their bedtime.
Again, these are just ideas. Do what works for your family. I do want to strongly encourage you to do something to set healthy boundaries in the bedroom for technology. It is the most dangerous place in your home for your kids to have their phones. A close second is the bathroom. This is another room in the house I would consider making a tech-free space. I especially encourage men to lead out in this one: anywhere in the home where there is a great deal of privacy is a place that should, as much as possible, be tech-free.
I want to encourage you to consider creating one other tech-free space. This one is technically a combination of space and time. Any time your family is going to be in the car for less than an hour (or whatever time limit you want to set) consider making that a tech-free zone. I understand that on long trips it may be helpful to allow some screen time, but consider creating space for conversation, if you are driving less than an hour, no tech. I think you will find that even if it is weird at first, soon enough conversation in that space will be very natural. On longer trips, you might also consider creating a rotation, an hour tech-free followed by two hours of tech. I really am not that concerned with the pattern, just that a pattern exists for your family to put everything away and engage with each other.
This may be pushing it, but depending on your kids, encourage them to do this with their friends. If they drive, encourage them to challenge their friends at lunch and in the car to put up devices for 10 minutes or whatever. It does not matter, just get your kids thinking about connections and conversation. Help them make it something that they desire and work towards.
I want to challenge you to create one more specific tech-free time slot. I would encourage families to have tech-free meals 1-2 times a week. If you can do 4-5 when they are little, great! The point is primarily to make it a priority and to make specific efforts. Again, I’m not concerned about the number that is right for your family, just that there is a number and that your family guards that time with jealous zeal.
‘Understand, this will be difficult, especially if you are doing it with older kids. But try something and let it be awkward if it needs to be. Just dive in and fight for face time with your family. There are a lot of other great ideas out there. These are just a few. But setting up tech-free spaces and times is a great way to teach your students healthy boundaries. I also want to encourage you to set up healthy boundaries for yourself. I’m going to be moving my phone tonight. You/your family are not alone in the struggle. It is real for all of us.
